Having Lauren

Having Lauren is like sitting on the shore of the ocean and the waves just keep washing over you...over and over...surrounding you, drowning you, smoothing out the rough edges and sometimes scaring you. Waves of joy and peace and sorrow and hope.

Having Lauren is like taking the piece of the pie that is a little lopsided, oozing out the side and perhaps mishappen and putting it to your mouth ..to taste absolute perfection.

It's being surprised and expecting the unexpected.

Having Lauren means taking walks around the block with a girl in Red Cowboy boots who sometimes just wants to sit or crouch down and look at you for awhile.

Sometimes Having Lauren means being ready to die because you have seen the perfect picture of your child .(dressed as a Cowhand with her perfect little fingers delicately holding the lasso).

Having Lauren means walking into a new school and looking forward to the new people she will bring into your life because of her infectious smile, outgoing personality and incessant need to give everyone "the rock" and a high-5.

Having Lauren means nicknames like LoLo, Bitz, Bacon Bitz, Bisser, Wisser and Stinker.

She is all that I could want in a child and more...she stretches me in uncomfortable ways and she also gives me that deep satisfaction of knowing I'm doing the best I can.

Having Lauren means rethinking what perfection looks like and seeing other kids as missing something when they DON"T have the remarkable features created so lovingly by the extra 21st Chromosome.

Having Lauren means eating my words because I made such a stink in class one day because a textbook described kids with Ds as Stubborn..and, well, that is a word I would use to describe Lauren (sometimes).

But, it is also a word I would use to describe any 2 year old.

Having Lauren means that when therapists who have become jaded and impatient due to too many years in their chosen profession say things like "she is being Downsy", I can turn the other cheek and imagine Lauren graduating from High school, dancing at her Prom and having friends over for a sleep-over.

I can also see very clearly the fact that her entire family absolutely adores her and delights in her...not to a fault...believe me, my 7 year old tires of her just as he would anyone who takes him away from him Mom and messes with his stuff.

But they are also better because of her. Because....

Having Lauren means that each day will have an additional layer of interest and taste. Each day will bring out something different in us and each day will prove to be worth living...because of a very exceptional little girl who walks around the block in red cowboy boots.

some kids take a whole lifetime to raise aka. i'm still learning how to be a mom....

this has been rattling around in my head for awhile especially in relation to my son, Nolan. Nolan is newly 22 and one of the most unique young men you will ever meet. He wears his hair in a very unkempt Jimi-Hendrix-meets-Jimmy-Neutron way. He's white, he's black; he's cool, he's nerdy.

He's my son and, yet, he's a stranger.

Nolan was a gift given out of very unnatural and unnerving circumstances. Despite the situation, I kept Nolan. I said Yes to him and knew with all of my heart that I would love him always. He was born at home on a snowbound Illinois night; only a neighbor was able to reach our home before his first lusty squall. He was calm, alert and absolutely gorgeous. That was then: back when I thought that love alone was enough.

Raising a bi-racial child is something i entered into blindly and I don't know that i've done that great a job of it. I've been stupid, i've been naive and i've fallen short of the mark. Still, Nolan remains my son: he loves me, stays with me and assures me that i've done nothing wrong. He blames no-one for his faults, his tendencies, his insecurities or his interests.

I wish I would have know then what I know now - that it takes more than two loving parents to help a child become a man: it also takes guts and risks and knowledge. It takes perspective and patience and strength. I see now that I didn't risk enough in the way of helping Nolan get to know what it's like for other black or bi-racial children. I really thought that if I accepted him enough, he wouldn't need to know anything else.

All children are a mystery to be solved, but none moreso for me than Nolan. Not only is he my first son but he has the IQ of a gifted person, mad skills in music and math, huge hair that I call the 8th wonder of the world, a snowboarder (who passionately despises Sean White), a gamer (Hello? World of Warcraft? can I have my son back?). He isn't into HipHop or Roca Wear - more like Urban Outfitters and Express.

He is comfortable in his own skin and ever since his birth I've had to ask my self if I am? Am I comfortable with who Nolan is? It's not an easy question or a simple answer. I love him, I pray for him and I want him to know that Love and Acceptance...but I don't know if he ever will because...because perhaps, I don't know how.

Nolan got in some trouble recently at school for having marijuana in his apartment. It shook him up a bit and as he explained what happened I went right back to that place where I just want him to know that I love him and want him to be his best. It reminded me of how much I just need to show him my acceptance of him but I feel like I need to go back 22 years and start over again. He's home now and I am happy that he's here. I know how to love him. He is my first son, the one I got to learn with and I will continue to do so...forever perhaps.

School is in session...

and I have pictures to prove it! Lauren is now (almost) exaclty 2 1/2, old enough to begin attending Ida's preschool for the hearing impaired. Some of our favorite people are from Ida so we have been looking forward to this for awhile.

Here is a quick snap shot of her first day. she even rode the bus home but my camera was in her Elmo bookbag so I didn't get any pictures yet.

















Outside her locker agreeing to a quick pic with Mom.



Eating her snack all gone - she already has earned a Masters degree in eating, this is just a refresher course. Notice the little pilot cap for keeping her hearing aids in place. In theory, at least.

Block time with her new friend, Chloe

Music and Movement time - just look how tiny she is! But, she holds her own and has a lot of presence :)~~~~~

Calendar and story time - dont' let the picture fool you - she was up plenty according to her teacher, Joy.







So far, so good. No tears from LoLo or me.

a video worth watching

Please watch this video montage put together by a Mom from my online Down syndrome support board. She is the mother to a little girl named Gabby who was loved and wanted, just as her other children are. The fact that Gabby would have Down syndrome did not sway her love, commitment or longing for her.

She already had 2 beautiful daughters and Gabby brought the count of beauties up to 3. As you will see, Gabby was absolutely precious, vibrant and very loved. As planned, Gabby had open-heart surgery, something quite common for babies born with Ds. The surgery went well but the recovery did not and Gabby did not make it.
The commentary on the video reminds us of how even the difficult parts of life: the parts we don't choose, become the most important, impactful and amazing...anyway...the video (and yes, Lauren is in there, too!):

Motherhood: it's like Deja Vu, all over again....

So, a couple of weeks ago I was with Chaz and Lauren at the children's hospital at University of Michigan waiting for Lauren to get her hearing tested. This had been a much longer than necessary amount of time spent at the hospital - who knew that a 2 year old could go 9 hours during the day without eating?? We're in the parent's waiting room waiting for the nurse to come get us and tell us that Lauren was absolutely fine.

While there, I began chatting with a couple who also had a daughter they were waiting for. Her procedures were much more intensive, serious and long than Lauren's mere ABR. This Mom, like me, had been blessed with a child, years ago, who has required much of her and proven time and time again, that she (the daughter) was up for the task and given Mom the opportunity to dig deep into herself, over and over again, to find the strength, patience, nerves and grace to face the next day with the same, un-bewildered face that the rest of us are used to living with.

(If you haven't read this blog before then you don't know that my oldest daughter, Ada, 24 years, has Russell-Silver syndrome and autism: a charming & puzzling combination of smallness and drive.)

While waiting and talking, Chaz commented that I'd been "doing this for a long time" and it is so true. When my first born was given to me, 24 years ago, I was catapulted into an unknown world: one of diagnoses, uncertainties, angst, dr's visits and waiting.

Fast forward many years and here I am, again: raising a child who is different than most, raising a child with an uncertain future and lots of unknown quantities.

But, you know what?It feels good. It is familiar, it is uncertain and it is hopeful. Ada taught me more than I can ever say. I wish I hadn't burned so many tears worrying about her but at least I don't have to do that for her little sister, Lauren. While Lauren may not always get the best of me: 45 years old, arthritic, fibromyalgic, tired, worn-down and weary--- at least she gets a mother who isn't worried about every little thing: one who knows that her potential is every bit as important as her diagnosis and that no amount of worry ever adds up to the outcome.
I have a perspective that cannot be bought or paid for. People describe me as calm, accepting and peaceful. Hard to believe but it's true. My children have defined much more than any thing else in my life.
So, as I sit and stack blocks for the 1 gazillionith time, I remember that this is important: this is what my child needs right now and I know that because I learned it from my firstborn child.

Thank God we get do overs.